"We come here wit no laid back intent yo, but locked n loaded fo' battle, determined ta avenge our wrongs n' set our ghetto free."
— William Wallace before the Battle with the English.
Significant Battle(s):
Historical information
Real name: William Wallace
Born: 1270
Died: August 23, 1305,
Actor: Mel Gibson

Biography Edit

n 1280, dat gent did wanna wend 'longside his wild lil' fath'r n' broth'r ta a peace meetin wit edward i of england, his wild lil' fath'r holla'd ateth dat gent ta stayeth all up in tha farm.  Howev'r, dat gent did sneak behind dat gent n' at which minute dat gent ent'r'd tha barn, dat gent wast afeard ta dirtnap all up in tha hangin bodiez of tha peace delegation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  tha corse of a page whoz ass is't hadst gone ta tha meeting, whose corse wast hangin n' his wild lil' fath'r holla'd ateth dat gent ta wend home.  Da next m'rning, malcolm n' john depart'd from they home, spittin some lyrics ta william ta stayeth home n' behold ov'r da barn while dem gents w're gone.  Only one dizzle lat'r, dat gent did notice a crew of playas comin towardz tha farm.  T wast campbell, macclannough, n' some oth'r playas comin backeth, n' t hath rocked up yond his wild lil' fath'r wast comin at first.  But then, william hath found up yond his wild lil' fath'r n' broth'r hadst been hath capped up in battleth, n' did peep they bodies bein did clean up f'r burial. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack.  At tha excit'ment'ral, dat gent didst not und'rstand tha augurerz w'rds, since dat gent wast bustin lyrics up in latin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  But aft'r tha augurerz w'rds, a lil' wench nam'd murron macclannough cameth up ta william n' gaveth dat gent a gangbangin' floweth'r ta tryeth n' beest kind ta dat gent.  That gent did cry n' hath felt stout f'r h'r. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  Sh'rtly aft'r, a sir on a h'rse did ride up ta dat gent, n' dat gent reveal'd ta beest his uncle, argyle.  Argyle n' william hath left malcolmz farm n' head'd ta his house.  Lil' Willy argyle did teach william how tha fuck ta speaketh french n' latin, how tha fuck ta readeth, tooketh dat gent on a pilgrimage ta rome yo, but most imp'rtantly, dat gent did teach dat gent ta useth his crazy-ass mind bef're dat gent did teach dat gent ta useth a sw'rd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! 

by 1296, aft'r havin been wit his uncle f'r a while, dat gent f'rgot bout his cousin hamish yo, but rememb'r'd murron n' hath kept h'r floweth'r wit dat gent.  That gent wast reunit'd wit his cater-cousins at a gangbang biggin' up tha feather-bed of m'rrison n' m'rrisonz jointress n' hadst a cold-ass lil contest wit hamish.  That gent holla'd ateth hamish ta crusheth dat gent liketh a w'rm by throwin a rocketh at dat gent yo, but dat gent did miss, without william movin a gangbangin' finger-lickin' did bite.  In response, william did throw a stone at his headeth, hurtin t, n' dat gent wonneth tha contest.  That gent wast bout ta talketh ta murron at which minute a cold-ass lil cousin of murronz hath axed dat gent ta danceth wit h'r. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  Those gents did dizzle only briefly since tha english gentle l'rd bottoms tooketh m'rrisonz jointress ta his chill chamber as a result of tha institution of prima noctae by tha english mackdaddy.  Lat'r on yond day, dat gent did ride ta tha macclannoughz doggy den up in tha pourin raineth ta seeth if 't be legit murron couldst rideth wit dat gent.  Despite tha muthafathas' objections, murron ranneth ta dat gent n' dem gents did ride off.  Lil' Willy holla'd ateth h'r yond dat gent couldst speaketh latin n' french, n' at which minute tha lady hath axed how tha fuck rome did look, dat gent hath holla'd "almost as like quaint as thee" up in latin, which tha lady didst not comprehend yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'.  That gent hath returned h'r home yo, but lat'r on, h'r fath'r holla'd ateth william yond only if 't be legit dat gent combated, dat gent wouldst beest did allow ta court murron. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  Yond night, dat gent tooketh h'r up in secret n' dat gent did arrange a gangbangin' feather-bed between tha two of dem folk, n' tha augurer did declare dem folk homeboy n' jointress.  Sh'rtly aft'r, dem gents madeth loveth ta one anoth'r up in tha lake. 

the next m'rning, dem gents hath kicked it wit at a marketplace while murron wast hustlin n' dem gents did smoke ta meeteth one anoth'r yond night, although murronz fath'r wast growin jealous.  T wast then yond a english offic'r nam'd smythe did git a glizzle of murron, n' dat gent hath tried ta rape h'r. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  Lil' Willy did knock dat gent unconscious n' gaveth h'r a h'rse ta rideth hence.  Quaint much ev'ry english soldi'r wast aft'r dat gent, so dat gent hath decided ta runneth ov'r tha roofs n' ranneth ta tha shack wh're murron, n' wast f'rgiven f'r his wild lil' fuckin elopement wit murron by macclannough, h'r fath'r. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  Aft'rward, tha rebellion did start, n' tha macgreg'r clan did join wallacez rebels.  Those gents did battle tha castle yond threaten'd tha macgreg'rs, did hold by l'rd bottoms, n' dat gent wast putteth ta justice by m'rrisonz ax.  Da outpost wast did burn, n' tha vict'ry h're wast hath followed by tha burnin of a hood by english f'rces.  Wallace n' his crazy-ass pimps hath returned th're ta killeth all of tha attacketh'rs all up in tha town, did succeed by a ambush of a english cavalry unit hath hustled by l'rd dolecroft.  Edward i coincidentally hath left f'r france, leavin his careless lil hustla pimp edward up in commandeth.  Edward meets bizzatch isabellaz tud'r. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Lil' Willy heselrig n' tha english c'rp'ral gaze as wallace doth take lanark. 

william then hadst a funky-ass briefeth racist p'riod wh're dat gent wouldst attacketh ev'ry "darkie" on sight.  This wast up in tha 'riginal taketh f'r tha porno but wast then did delete as t wast deem'd too bitch ass f'r tha issue crew, yet tha hangin scene wast fine. 

aft'r tha bawblin vict'ries all up in tha skirmishes, william wast did join by sev'ral freshly smoked up recruits, enwheelin faudron n' stephen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  That gent immediately did bust tha latt'rz loyalty at which minute dat gent did save his wild lil' freakadelic game by cappin' faudron, whoz ass is't wast menstrually ill n' hath tried ta assassinizzle william.  Aft'r seein tha trees n' aft'r campbell hath brought up tha unbeaten english heavy cavalry, william 'rd'r'd tha construction of spears twice tha size of a sir ta repel tha english cavalry.  Wallace wast then did join by noblez m'rnay, lochlan, a larg'r english army wit 300 heavy cavalry n' far m're infantry n' bowmen, hath hustled by tha l'rd talmadge n' l'rd cheltham.  At stirling, tha two armies hath met.  Da men, dem'raliz'd cuz of tha amount of tha english army n' how tha fuck dem gents w're fightin f'r l'rdz whoz ass is't wouldst stand ho

faudron n' stephen meeteth william. s slaves.  But wallace deliv'r'd a inspirin rap yond ralli'd all of tha fleein soldi'rs n' did prepare his thugged-out army.  At which minute dat gent wenteth ta parley wit cressingham, dat gent holla'd ateth dat gent yond scotlandz t'rms w're yond tha english commandeth'r wouldst has't ta "put his headeth between his wild lil' forks n' kisseth his owneth arse" as well as retreat n' stand ho at ev'ry hood ta apologizeth ta tha playa hatas f'r 100 muthafuckin yearz of brutality, rape, n' t'rture.  But tha english hath called dat gent naughty n' did prepare f'r hurlyburly.  Usin his crazy-ass mind bef're tha sw'rd as argyle hadst did teach dat gent, wallace skillfully 'rd'r'd his crazy-ass pimps ta raiseth they shieldz ta negate tha effect of tha arrows yond did fly towardz dat gent, n' his crazy-ass pimps did lift they spears right at which minute tha english cavalry wast coming, cappin' tha h'rses n' then tha did rid'rs.  Then, up in tha melee, dat gent hath capped sev'ral english troops n' behead'd cressingham aft'r unh'rsin dat gent yo. Hurlyburly of stirling

the vict'ry wast so most wondrous yond craig n' all of tha noblez proclaim'd dat gent a knight, guardian, n' high protecteth'r of scotland. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  That gent nam'd hamish, campbell, n' stephen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  A big-ass square hath happened at which minute balliol did invite dat gent ta upholdeth his bangin rightful claimeth, n' continueth supp'rt of tha balliols, n' dat gent hath left tha cubiculo cuz dem gents wouldst not standeth togeth'r. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  That gent did plan ta invade england n' defeat tha english on they owneth did grind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  That gent denounc'd tha noblez yo, but robeth'rt tha bruce holla'd ateth dem folk ta maketh shizzle yond dat gent didst not visage tha foe on both b'rd'rs, tha nobles, n' tha english. 

wallace invad'd england n' tooketh tha hood of y'rk, bustin  tha gov'rn'rz headeth ta mackdaddy edward, whoz ass is't hadst hath returned, ta inf'rm dat gent yond dat gent hadst did sack tha hood.  A few nights lat'r, dat gent hadst a thugged-out dreameth of murron, whoz ass is't holla'd ateth dat gent ta waketh up.  T wast straight-up much campbell, whoz ass is't wast shoutin f'r dat gent ta waketh up aft'r bizzatch isabella n' flagz of truce hath rocked up outside of y'rk.  Da lady hadst cometh ta off'r dat gent tonz of treasure n' a truce.  Isabella hath called dat gent tha sacketh'r of laid back ghettos n' tha execution'r of tha mackdaddyz nephew, h'r homeboyz owneth cousin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  At which minute h'r advis'r hamilton holla'd ateth h'r yond dat gent wast a gangbangin' falsin savage, dat gent did reply up in latin yond dat gent wast not a cold-ass lil coystrill but wast a savage.  That gent then holla'd ateth h'r yond y'rk wast a stagin pointeth f'r

e capital of scotland. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!  Lil' Willy wast early did warn by nicolette, tha esc'rt of tha bizzatch, whoz ass is't gaveth dat gent a lett'r, spittin some lyrics ta dat gent of tha attacketh.  Da hurlyburly wast at falkirk, near edinburgh.  M'rnay holla'd ateth dat gent yond tha only option wast ta negotiateth yo, but wallace holla'd ateth dat gent yond dat gent requir'd ev'ry soldi'r dat gent couldst require, coequal tha noblez n' they p'rsonal esc'rts, n' you can put dat on yo' toast.  That gent holla'd ateth dem folk yond dat gent wonneth at stirling, n' still dem gents quibbled; at y'rk , dem gents wouldst not aid dat gent, n' anon, durin da most thugged-out desp'rate moment, dem gents wilt holp dat gent.  Robeth'rt tha bruce did promise dat gent yond dat gent wouldst uniteth tha clans n' aid dat gent at falkirk. 

the irish joineth tha scottish at falkirk. Bef're tha hurlyburly fuckin startedeth, stephen did convince tha irish infantry ta joineth tha scottish, since t wast "his island".  This did increase tha size of tha scottish army slightly.  Da scottish hadst tha upp'r handeth at first, repeatin they successful melee tactics as hath used at stirling.  But tha english fir'd they arrows tha fuck into tha field, cappin' sev'ral, pissed tha fuck off yo, but did wanna continueth tha war. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.  That gent cameth closeth ta bein assassinat'd by english troops disguis'd as tha esc'rt of bizzatch isabella yo, but lock'd dem folk up in a hut n' then did burn t, aft'r havin been inf'rm'd so by isabella, whose aide nicolette ov'rheard tha plot.  That gent secretly head'd ta thanketh isabella f'r helpin dat gent, n' hath axed wherefore tha lady holp dat gent.  Da lady did reply "because of tha way thou art lookin all up in mah grill anon", n' tha two hath fallen up in loveth.  Da lady wast impregnat'd by dat gent, n' dat gent hath left ta rejoin his thugged-out army.  At which minute dat gent hath returned, craig gaveth dat gent tha holidam of robeth'rt tha bruce, whoz ass is't did wanna meeteth wit dat gent at edinburgh.  Though hamish holla'd ateth dat gent yond t wast a trapeth, william holla'd ateth dat gent yond dat gent shouldst tryeth n' dat gent didst wend yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'.  Robeth'rt did greet dat gent yo, but tha edinburgh knave n' a sir carryin a funky-ass bundle of sticks gaveth tha signaleth f'r tha english troops ta attacketh wallace.  Robeth'rt, uninf'rm'd of tha trapeth, hath tried ta int'rvene but wast did hurt.  Lil' Willy wast hath busted ta trial, n' dat gent did refuse ta pleadeth crazy ta tha judgeth, n' spat up poison given ta dat gent by isabella.  Presenteth up in tha crowd wast hamish n' stephen, two of tha v'ry few playas up in his thugged-out army

Trivia Edit
  • In tha film, Lil' Willy Wallace, Edward I, n' Da Leper was kickin it up in tha same year. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. In reality, Da Leper took a dirt nap 1304, Lil' Willy 1305, n' Edward 1307. They all took a dirt nap up in tha same year up in tha porno.

Lil' Willy never had a hoe or children, at least recorded ones.

Lil' Willy did not eva hook up Isabella, fo' dat biiiiatch was just a lil hoe when da thug would have kicked it wit her

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.